A conversation

- Would you like to come to the shop with me?
- Yeah, ok.

She yelled to her boyfriend
- We’re going to get some groceries, see you later.
- Ok, see you later.

After a while in the car:
- I am glad you came out.
- Oh?

Silence
- I wanted to get out of the house and talk about something.

He looks at her.
- I have this problem and it is a secret. But I didn’t know if I should tell you.
- Then it won't be a secret anymore.
- That’s true. But should I tell you?
- I think you should. You want to and maybe even need to. Why else bring it up?

She nods
- I am not sure if I want to marry Michael.
- Why not?
- It wouldn’t be fair.
- To whom?
- To both of us.
- Why?
- I love him, but he has always been second choice. If I marry him, he will be married to someone who thinks he is second choice and that wouldn’t be fair.
- Does he know that?
- No.
- Are you his number one?
- I don’t know.
- Where is your number one?
- He has always been far away for me.
- Do you think you are his number one?
- Of my number one?
- Getting complicated now.

They smile.
- Yes, of your number one.
- I don’t think I am.
- How do you know that?
- I don’t know, Jesse.
- I guess it is too easy to say ‘can't you ask him?’.
- Yes, it is.
- And now you are doubting to marry Michael.
- Yes.
- It is not because of tensions before marrying? Or insecureness, or whatever you call it?
- No, Michael has always been second choice. I have known the other person before I met Michael.
- And you already liked him a lot before Michael came into your life.
- Yes.
- Did you never have the chance to get together with the other person?
- Maybe. But it never happened. We never thought about it. We are good friends and that has always been the way it is.
- We? You said wé never thought about it.
- Did I? Wishful thinking, I’m afraid.
- Does he actually know you like him so much?
- No.
- What if he dóes like you?
- He doesn’t.
- But you don’t know that.
- No.
- And you are not going to find out.
- Maybe I should.
- If you’re not going to find it out, you might as well marry Michael straight away. Then this conversation is over and your secret is save.
- I could.
- Or you can dump Michael, still won't find out about your number one and marry number 170, or something.
- It’s not easy, Jesse.
- Hmm, I guess it ain’t. But it is like I just said. I know it doesn’t sound nice and it is probably very hard, but it is very simple.
- It’s not.
- It is, it is just very complicated.

They smile wryly.
- Remember, it doesn’t have to be nice, as long as it is clear.
- I hate that saying now.
- Why did you want to talk to me about it?
- Because you are a very good friend. And because you are a bit of an outsider. I mean, you are not fully into our lives, only mine and not even so much. All our friends think we will get married. But you might see things from a different angle, because you are more in my circle and not in our circle. Michael and mine, that is. That is also a reason you are one of the few I can say this to. Like you said, I need to tell this to someone, I need to get it off my chest. And I know you care about me a lot and that you will never leave me. Everything I do or say, you will approve of it.

Silence
- Are you scared of a negative answer or a positive one?
- What do you mean?
- Well, say you decide to let number one know you like him a lot, more than a lot. Are you afraid that he won't feel the same for you or are you afraid that he will say he feels the same for you?

She turns to her friend.
- Both. I guess. I don’t know, Jesse. I just don’t know it. I don’t know what to do.
- You have to tell him. Then it is up to him what he does with it. If you don’t tell him, you will spend the rest of your life asking yourself the question ‘did I marry the right person?’. What if…? If you tell him, and he says he hasn’t got the same feelings for you, then you know you will never have your first choice. In that case, marrying Michael is good, because there is nobody better than number two and that makes him number one. So you are really lucky if you can spend your life with him. And if number one says he has always liked you too, then you can tell Michael ‘sorry, but I am not ready for marriage yet. I am sorry about the cake and all the invitations and our parents and all that, but I can't’. If he loves you, he will understand. Well, he will accept it. Don’t marry if you are not sure, Emma. You can always marry Michael later if you want. And you don’t have to leave him.
- That is easier said than done. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to tell him that?
- Who, Michael or number one?
- Well, both.
- Your number one is easy. You just call up the guy and you say ‘Hi number one, this is Emma, how are you? Listen, I have a question, do you have any feelings for me? Don’t worry, you can think about the answer. But not too long, since I am going to get married soon. Alright, talk to you soon. Bye now.’
- Very funny.
- It’s an option.
- It’s not.
- No, it isn't.

Silence
- But you need to tell him, right? Don’t you agree?
- Yes, in a movie it is the thing to do.
- Better sooner than later.

Silence
- How can I tell a person I like him?
- Does he have a girlfriend or is he married?
- Neither, I think.
- You think?!
- He’s not married and I am not sure about a girlfriend.
- How well do you know this guy, Emma?
- I know I love him. Like nobody else. The thought of him alone, makes me feel so good. I can be myself when I am with him. If I need to do things or maybe not even have to do them I do them with pleasure, because I do them for him.
- Shit, it is difficult, isn't it. Well, let’s say he has neither wife nor girlfriend, just to humor us. Does he live close by? Is it possible to meet him?
- Yes.
- How do you normally meet up? Do you see him often?
- No, not so often, but he is a good friend, so it is not strange to call him and ask him if he wants to meet for lunch or a drink. Normally we meet by accident on messenger and we agree to have a drink or something.
- You won't have time to wait for that to happen. Would it be okay to call him?
- Yes, I suppose so.
- You can ask him if he has ever felt something for you. The only downside of asking him that way is that he might think he could hurt you if he says yes, since you are about to marry someone else. I think I would say no, in that situation.
- Which could be good.
- Yes. But we want the truth, no?
- I am not sure, to be honest.

Silence [I kill you!]

They arrive at the supermarket and do their shoppings. On the way back there’s a long silence.
- You know, I am trying to put myself in your situation. And whichever way I go, I always keep coming to the same conclusion. Somehow you have to let number one know what you feel about him. You have to tell him what you feel and then you need to ask him to tell you in all honesty what he feels for you. If it is nothing, it is easy. Then you know and you know marrying Michael is the right thing for you. If he tells you he feels something for you too, you can postpone the wedding. Sad, but right for now. You can then think about it and make your decision. You have to tell him and ask him, Emma. If you don’t, you might make a wrong choice in your life. Thé wrong choice. And if you want, I can tell him and ask him. Or I can come with you. Ironic or not, but you don’t have a choice. I guess my question would be: what are you scared of? And if you have the answer, would that be a or the reason not to ask number one. Bloody hell, what’s his name anyway?

Emma thought for a second.
- You do know his name right?
- Yes.
- So?
- Luke.

Silence
- Why me?
- Don’t know. It just happens.
- But why?

Jesse laughs
- Why? How should I know?
- Because you know everything.

They both smile
- I have wondered many times why things happen. Is it for a reason? Is it just bad luck? Or good luck? Faith? Or does God exist? And if God exists, why doesn’t He stop all the misery?
- You tell me.
- You think He can?
- If there is a God, and He is as powerful as people say, He should be able to.
- I suppose so. But maybe He has.
- I can see that. Not.
- There have been a few occasions where I could have died, really die. But it didn’t happen. Perhaps He didn’t let it happen. Maybe this world and its human beings could have been destroyed, but it didn’t happen either. Many times situations were called a miracle. But we don’t take them into account. We only see the bad things. Who knows He is busy intervening in our lives for the good? Maybe even 24 hours per day.
- Interesting. So if something bad happens, you have just bad luck?
- Maybe. Or it could be destiny.
- Is everything planned in life? So no God? Or has God laid it all out for us already? And are you lucky or unlucky He has planned the life for you, you are living now?
- I believe not. If He exists, He is good. He wouldn’t plan a life for human beings like we live it now.
But in the Garden of Eden.
- There you go.
- But did it go wrong? Did God let it slip out of his hands?
- Possibly. I haven't read the bible, but doesn’t it say that even God makes mistakes? It could be the case and now He is trying to clean up the mess for us. But us people keep on fucking it up so fast that He can't keep up.
- Interesting thought.
- But I also think it is destiny and it has nothing to do with God.
- How is that possible? You either believe in destiny or in God.
- In fact, I also believe that it is nót destiny or God, but just bad or good luck. Perhaps a bit of karma with that.
- That’s impossible. You believe God has a share in life, you believe in destiny ánd you believe in ‘that’s just the way it is’.
- Uh-huh. And karma…
- You can't, they contradict each other.
- To you they do, to me they don’t. I’ll give you a simple example. If Federer plays Nadal, then I can believe Federer can win. But at the same time I can also believe Federer can lose.
- No, you can't.
- Í can, maybe you can't.
- Besides, that’s different. With Federer you don’t mention if that is God acting, destiny or just shear luck if one wins.
- It means I can believe in more things at the same time.
- I don’t understand that.
- I am not sure if I do myself, but that’s what is in my head.
- But if something happens, say you miss the last bus in the middle of nowhere, it is raining hard and the battery of your phone has died on you. How do you see that then?
- Either destiny or shit luck.
- Not God?
- No, I told you, if God exists, He is good.
- Do you believe there is a God?
- Good question. Why wouldn’t He exist?
- Because He never talks back, never shows Himself and doesn’t do anything about the misery.

Silence
- By the way, I wonder if you can call missing that bus your destiny. It seems too small to be called destiny. I don’t know the definition of the word destiny, but I always had the idea that destiny is a big thing, when your life has taken a different course, suddenly. And your life is different than before.
- So it’s bad luck.
- Could be.
- Maybe missing that bus saved your life.
- Very well possible.
- Weird. You’re weird.
- I heard that before. It would be destiny if yóu miss that bus and Luke misses that bus too. What would you think it is, missing that bus?
- I really don’t know.
- And that isn't weird?
- Maybe.
- You know what I find weird?
- No.
- That you don’t dare to ask just one question to a person.

Silence

They arrive back at the house. They take the groceries out of the trunk and while they walk to the front door, Emma looks at Jesse, trying to figure out what’s going on inside that head.
- Life is too short, Emma. Compared to all the time in the universe, we die in no time. Why marry Michael without knowing what Luke feels for you? You have nothing to lose.

At the door, Emma turns the key in the lock and the door opens. Before she pushes it open she looks at Jesse.
- I need some time alone, I think.

Jesse nods
- Destiny has a cruel agenda.
- But I can change my own destiny.
- No you can't.
- Yes you can!
- Of course you can't. Say destiny exists, then whatever you choose in life, the outcome has always been your destiny. You cannot change that, you can only get there. And not even sooner or later, but at exactly the right moment. Precisely as destiny had it in mind for you. So whatever you decide to do, it has already been laid out for you. That is of course, if you believe in destiny.
- You’re annoying.
- Truth is hard.
- And the truth is that you are annoying. And that is hard too.

They laugh.
- I think that you can change the reality around you. But that’s a totally different theory…

Emma looks at Jesse.
- It is. I guess if you believe in destiny, you are right. Must be comfortable to believe in everything.
- I never thought about it that way, actually.
- But thanks, Jesse. Thanks for talking to me and listening to my problem.
- Anytime.
- Jesse?
- Hmm?
- Can I ask you just one question…?